Day 2 in Pictures

Since I have concluded that my exciting new experiences in ISM are way too much for my writing skills, I have decided to make my account of day 2 and maybe even for the rest of the days in pictures and captions :)

All TA's were given a 4GB Kingston USB, a steno notebook and another big blue corona notebook. The Lindt chocolates and this charming little notebook with a little welcome note inside was written and given by Anisa, the preschool program leader during our morning meeting. :)

The preschool playground, where mayhem is expected to take place once the kids come in!

The bulletin board outside with all our pictures on it! :)

Meet the Preschool Team!

What a fun and lively (also good looking *wink wink*) bunch! :)

Tina, Nat and Resh. Our team mates! Our classes share a room. :)

Tina and Resh are both fun and sassy ladies, who are super efficient at what they do!

Nat is the funniest, most charming person ever!

Karen, Matt and Me (I apologize for the messy hair)! :)

Karen is the most lovely person, so nice and helpful and super super efficient as well!

Matt is quite nice guy too! :)

The Pelkey and Ayling Classroom! Much much cleaner compared to the first day!

Those are the labels and nametags and what not that I slaved over for the greater part of the day. I can't wait to meet the cute little owners of the names on those nametags! Charlie, Olga, Heshma, Leila, Aaryan, Simon, Jayden and the 13 others! Tomorrow is their first day! I'm so nervous and excited to meet them! :)

Today was my 3rd day, basically a continuation of the whole set-up process! All the labels have been put up, the learning areas set for tomorrow... the big day! We get to meet the kids and their parents, finally! Since its a staggered schedule, we'll be meeting for only an hour, so we have plenty of time afterwards to continue whatever it is we still have to finish for classroom set-up! But nevermind that, all attention is now focused on meeting the kids! This is going to be sooo exciting! Wish me luck!

Love, Oli :)

Today, I fell in love with ISM (Part 2)

Let me just pick up from where I left off. So we listened to David Toze's witty take on an inspirational first day speech over at the Fine Arts Theater. It was followed by some yummy snacks outside. They had all kinds of pastries and this yummy lumpia looking thing with green stuff inside. I regret not getting more, actually! But everything was good and it was all free, which makes it even more yummy! Afterwards, we headed to the Little Theater where we had a smaller gathering for the Elementary School Faculty c/o the Principal Simon Gillespie and the Asst. Principal Michael Rourke. All the new faculty members and teaching assistants were introduced, so I had my name called out loud by Mr. Simon at one point, and I had to stand up to be recognized and all that shiz. By the way, I am known as Carol in ISM. I wanted to make Oli happen, but they just kinda took to calling me Carol because that's what it said on my nametag and that's how Michael knows me already. Oh well. What a great way to separate my work life from my personal life, huh? Haha!

Anyway, they just basically discussed how David Toze's goals for the school year applied to the Elementary School. They started it by first emphasizing the importance of getting to know your students as best as you possibly can. We were actually given a reading about it. I surprisingly did not find this a drag at all because the nerd in me actually missed getting readings! I read as far as the different perceptions on childhood and I must say, you can really see these varying perceptions manifested in the educational philosophies of different schools. The reading also tackles other important aspects of getting to know our students, like knowing their biological traits, societal influences, socio-economic background, academic achievement and learning preferences. These are all very important in an educational system that seeks to be more individualized, putting emphasis on the unique qualities of every child so that they may better reach out and truly educate them. It seems that ISM is really moving towards a more progressive educational philosophy (which I must say is something the preschool department has always done), and that is definitely something I believe in.

It felt really good to know that I was working for a school that valued the individual just as much as I did and is really taking concrete steps into making their education system more attuned to the child's strengths as a learner.

After that talk, we all had lunch, sponsored by the school! So yes, it's free! It was all quite yummy and, well... foreign? There was humis, or humus, or homace, or basta... something orange and gooey and you put it on pita bread or something. So exotic. Afterwards, we kinda just went to work in the classroom. It was fun! I dont exactly remember what I did... it was mostly sorting out supplies, fixing up the classroom and what not. Since I'm new, I really just followed Karen around and did what she did or told me to do. I'm hoping to learn all of these things soon so I can start moving on my own and be more self-directed. I'm afraid I might get too annoying by asking "what can I do?" all the time! Haha! Of course, at this point, I am also referring to my second day, which wrapped up a few hours ago.

My second day is already done and was equally fun and interesting enough to write about but my writing skills can't seem to catch up with my daily experiences! Of course, as of now, the novelty of it all still astounds me and makes me all giddy with excitement that I feel like giving a detailed play by play of what happened during my first few days, at least. But, like I said, my writing skills can't catch up. I don't want this blog to become one of those "Today, I went shopping..." kinda blogs anyway. So this might be the last play by play entry I'll be writing in a while. Why? Well, in general, it is my blogging rule that there has be something fundamentally significant about everything I write... or at least, I try to make it so. This account of my first day at ISM is quite significant because it is a form of affirmation and reminder of the difficult choices that I made which have lead me to this happy point. I am glad that so far, it seems that I am going down the right path... the right one being the one that I am passionate about. I mean, I've woken up twice at 5 o' clock in the morning, without much effort or difficulty just simply excited about the day ahead. And now, I am gearing up to sleep with much anticipation for a new day at my happy work place.

I hope I never stop sleeping and waking up with that feeling!

***

To be continued...

You know... since this is only the beginning.

Love, Oli :)

Today, I fell in love with ISM (Part1)

As cliche as this may sound (in reference not just to the succeeding statement but also to the "as cliche as it may sound" phrase since its so often said that it's becoming a cliche in itself), I knew from the very moment that I woke up that this day was going to be special. You see, I have been anticipating the great 5am wake up call all week. I thought it was going to be the struggle of a lifetime to get out of bed since I have been religiously waking up no earlier than 12nn for 4 whole months now! But no! By some work of divine providence, I woke up without the help of an alarm clock at 5am on the dot! It was as if my body had timed itself perfectly for my big first day at work! I got up, took a bath, jumped into my impressive first day work clothes (purple blouse, black slacks and studded belt to add some youthfulness and funk). I even had time to dry my hair and eat breakfast leisurely! I was backing out of the garage by 6:05am!

When I got there at around 6:40, I didn't know at all what to expect! I went to the security office to get my ID but they couldn't find it so I logged in using a temporary log-in form. Saw some old familiar faces from the orientation of the new hires, as well as a bunch of other security personnel putting on their cool chest gear... or whatever those black pouch thingies they strap onto their chests are! then I went off to look for the Elementary School department... which was quite a challenge, because the place was HUGE. add to that the fact that every hallway looks patently the same! white walls with green trimmings. I actually ran into some newbies twice as I brisk walked in and out of the ISM hallways... until at last, I found it: The Elementary School Faculty Room.

The scene that I walked into was quite a thrill. Instead of the quiet boring hallway that I first encountered it to be during my orientation and interviews, the place was filled with an electrified buzzing, composed of well-delivered jokes, some fun vacation stories, the sounds of hugs and kisses, cheers of excitment over seeing familiar faces again... all from the animated bunch of teaching assistants... it was literally, a first day high!

And to my surprise, as the foreign bosses come in (aka the Teachers, Principals, Program Heads and the like), they are greeted by a warm hug and beso on the cheek from the Filipino TA's AND vice versa! It seemed like such a happy tight-knit group. We newcomers sat on the round table, observing with obvious fondness and fascination for the scene happening before our eyes! I was so preoccupied with my excited thoughts that I didn't realize the room had suddenly gotten considerably quiet and almost empty, save for the Learning Support crew I was hanging out with! So, I ran out of the faculty room and immediately made my way to the PRESCHOOL DEPARTMENT, where I was luckily reassigned to (was supposed to be in Kinder) by the very nice, intuitive and somewhat soft-spoken Michael Rourke (ES Asst. Principal). More about him soon, I expect! :)

As I walk into the fairly simple glass doors of the charming Preschool classrooms, I was immediately welcomed with waves, smiles and excited "Hello Carol!"s from my co-teaching assistants, Karen (from UP), Resh (from UA&P) and Tina (from Beda)! It was such a relief! I have always prayed for warm and welcoming colleagues who could make the whole socialization process easier for me. And I must say, Karen is getting the much celebrated "GOLD STAR!" But if you think the warm welcomes end there, you're wrong! When the teachers came in and saw me, they looked like a bunch of excited 5 year olds meeting a new friend! Teacher Nat ran to me and hugged me! So did Teacher Katherine! Matt (the teacher Karen and I were assigned to) of course, simply shook my hand and gave me a big charming smile and an equally warm welcome! We made a little small talk and I told them, with utmost sincerity, how so very happy and excited I was to be there!

After some more small talk with the other TA's, we headed to the Fine Arts Theater (FAT) to listen to David Toze, the ISM Superintendent (sort of like the President). I must say, he is also quite an interesting character to talk about. His speech was filled with wittiest of humors and the most charming description of the school's accomplishments thus far and goals for the year. He introduced all the new faculty members, each and everyone coupled with some fascinating or comical description of sorts! It even included an update on the recent marital status of several of the faculty members, including our very own Matt, who apparently got married just last July to another teacher from the middle school (So cute! He was actually arranging a day for the TA's to see his wedding pictures!). The most touching part of his speech was probably his emphasis on accepting students of all contexts, races, and physical or cognitive capabilities and really making the classroom a place where they could thrive and grow as persons. According to him, though the move will cost a lot of money, it was money that he was very willing to spend. And I must say, integration is quite an amazing and noble endeavor and I am all for it. He ended his speech with a reminder for each one to always look for something to love about what he/she is doing. Never live to work, because work is simply a means to an end. Live doing something that you love to do every single day. He, and I'm sure, most of the people in the room with me at that time, would agree. Apparently, he'd already said the exact same parting words the previous year. I didn't care. As long as I got to hear it!

Needless to say, I was excited and inspired. And we weren't even halfway through the day yet!

***

To be continued...

***

I shall end here for now. It's already past 11pm. I'm afraid if I break my sleeping pattern, my early bird goals might not come into fruition! So off to bed I go! Will talk more first day highs soon!

Love, Oli :)

One Good Day and Those Darn Lucky People

Sometimes it feels like one good day is really all we need to get through an entire week.

I just discovered the blog of another one of my jetsetter friends! He went on a leave of absence during our senior year to go on a 10-month excursion to Europe. Of course, it's not actually as leisurely as that sounds since he went there on an academic scholarship (I think) for some school in Italy. Obviously, I am not privy to the details of his trip but suffice it to say that he is most definitely living the life of a wanderer, having shown a preference for detailing his jaunts across Europe as opposed to his academic and scholarly activities in his blog. I don't blame him, of course. Europe has far too many amazing sights to see and therefore write about.

I am currently hooked on said blog account being the vicarious living-er that I am. Now normally, after about 5 entries or less, I would've plunged right into my occasional (but gradually turning into the usual) bouts of frustration over being a somewhat inexperienced 21 year old, whose extensive travel dreams are significantly stunted by a relatively sheltered upbringing and limited resources. But not today.

Today, I had one of those good days.

And it consists of fairly simple things: the boy I love, a nice place away from the rest of the world (or at least, seemingly so), copious amounts of food of the fried and unhealthy variety (a.k.a. pizza, fried chicken and junk food), a television, a dvd player, a nice movie and some wonderfully corny local telenovelas (i.e. Rubi and Magkaribal) to cap it all off.

I've always called my jetsetter friends "those lucky people" because not everyone (in this 3rd world country, at least) gets to go to all those amazing places, meet interesting foreign people and see all the wonderful things and picturesque sights they have. Sometimes, I forget that I'm also quite lucky myself. Some people go through their entire lives wandering the world, in pursuit of meaning and happiness, while I have found them abundantly in a nice and simple, even somewhat domesticated (minus the chores) but endlessly good day. All without having to travel much too far.

Of course, my burning desire to travel the world remains unquenched. I still continue to live vicariously through my friends' travel blogs, read my currently useless Egypt travel guide, and scour online for flights abroad that I will not take (at least in the foreseeable future) in hopes of someday becoming one of "those lucky people". Thankfully, this good day is just one of many many good days that help me overcome such frustrations. And to have someone say "I hope one day, we could both be lucky together"... well, that just about does it for me!

Here's to good days and to getting lucky (travel-wise, I mean)!

Love, Oli :)

Dependent

I can't anymore count the number of times I've imagined traveling to some distant place on my own and living away from my parents. I guess you could say that for most of my dependent life, I have dreamt about independence in one form or another. I know it's probably not as wonderful and exciting as I am figuring it out to be but I know it's bound to be something more than this sheltered, sometimes shackled, world within the fences of Mom and Dad.

More and more, it seems that the only way I could experience the independence that I want is if I pack my bags and live somewhere else. I know I could never do all the things that I wanna do without being boxed in by my parents as long as I am living under their roof. Under their roof, I must abide by their rules, their expectations, their boundaries - and let me just say, their boundaries don't leave very much room for adventures. My mom and dad's idea of living are very much tied to keeping a household running, going to work and fulfilling familial responsibilities. It's all very old school Filipino family style. And I guess you could say that I am the stereotypical obedient Filipino child. Save for a few white lies here and there, I always follow the rules. That's because I respect the fact that while I am eating the food they serve on the table, spending the money they put in my bank account and use up the gas that they load in the car that they are allowing me to use, I am, unequivocally, bound to the laws of the Del Rosario Household.

Sometimes, I am dying for a way out.

I have always contented myself in living vicariously through others. Watching movies, reading books about traveling, adventures and strong female characters, reading about other people's lives through whatever avenue there is in the cyber world and what not. But like I said previously, it seems that vicarious living isn't anymore enough. In a few short months, I will be 22 years old and, more and more, it seems that now is the time to take these risks, make mistakes and discover myself and what I am really capable of. I don't wanna be in my late 20's or 30's and still just starting to find my way through the real world! I wanna start now. But I am so bound by all these restrictions, by my mother's nagging voice in my head telling me: "I don't need to do those things! What are they for? What you need to focus on is what you have now and the responsibilities you have to fulfill!" Dare I say that every time I motion to reach for something greater, something infinitely more exciting, that nagging voice inside my head causes me to second guess myself and quit before I have even started.

Oh, the crisis of the young. I'd like to think that life is not really wasted on us. In fact, most often than not, life is wasted on the mediocre and overly practical mindsets that generations before have instilled in us. It is the reason most dreams die. And it is not reality that turns these dreams into jaded reveries. It is our own tendency to think like little people, with a bad case of tunnel vision.

***

Now, I am off to fulfill another one of those familial obligations.

Love, Oli :)

Oh, You Jetsetters!

I have always been interested in people. I think that's the reason why I have always enjoyed reading other people's blogs. It allowed me to indulge in my passion for the individual, learning about their thoughts and dreams, their fears and insecurities and even the little things that irk them or make them happy. I discover so much in every single entry that, sometimes, if I really pay close attention, I can even uncover some thoughts or emotions that the blogger failed or deliberately chose not to mention. I must admit, this is actually quite fun to do! And what is proving to be increasingly more fun is being able to live vicariously through others by reading their blogs.

However, by some teasingly bizarre coincidence, a lot of my blogger friends seem to have taken quite the adventure-filled path in life. They're going out of the country, living in independence, away from parents and life as they formerly knew it to be. They're meeting new people, seeing amazing new things and really discovering a lot about the world and themselves, leaving regular boring girls like me thinking:

Am I at a point in my life where living vicariously through others is not anymore enough?

It seems that the entertainment and satisfaction that I derived from reading about other people's adventures came with the idea that those things can never happen to someone like me. I mean, I've lived a relatively tamed existence. I followed the rules and did everything that was asked and expected of me. My life is the textbook definition of the norm, with a few twists here and there. I guess it's always been like that because that's how I have always thought it was supposed to be for someone like me. At least, that's how generations of del Rosarios and Asuncions have done it. And yet, there are people my age, not that much different from me, who are breaking the rules, going above and beyond what's expected of them, going travelling, discovering new things, meeting all sorts of wonderful people, taking risks and branching out to infinitely greener pastures. Now, I find that with every exciting and adventure-filled blog entry that I read, I become more and more dissatisfied with my mediocre existence. I am starting to want more. And more importantly, I am beginning to realize that I can actually do more, that maybe I, too, can go on those adventures - traveling and living in a foreign country all by myself, talking to strangers, getting lost and finding my way around the place or even applying for international scholarships or internships. Never in my life have I ever considered applying for a scholarship, not even back in Ateneo, even if it was completely plausible.

I now realize that I've never really gone out of my way to make these things happen for myself. I've gotten too comfortable, too used to living in my little bubble of normal and expected that I don't even know where to start. Or how to start!

Okay, Oli. Relax.

Right now, I'm trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that I am on a self-imposed "break" - a Welcome break, as I termed it - which is now down to a week and a half. I am just realizing that maybe this dissatisfaction may be coming from the fact that I haven't really been doing anything of consequence lately, while plenty of my blogger friends have been living such exciting lives. I need to remind myself that I, too, will be embarking on my own little adventure in a few more days. I will also be experiencing new things, learning important lessons, meeting interesting new people and making something of myself. It may not be in a foreign country, but at least I get to enjoy the comforts of living in a nice comfortable home, whilst transitioning to independence. Plus, I get to work and interact with educators and children from all over the world! It's kinda like working in a foreign country but in the comforts of my homeland!

Okay, maybe I just overreacted a bit. Maybe my life isn't as dull as it turning out to be in comparison to my jetsetter friends. A little break is all I need. And maybe a game plan. And a whole lot of motivation and courage to take risks.

***

For now, I'd like to thank my blogger friends or better yet, all the bloggers of the world for sharing a bit of yourselves to the rest of us. Personally, you have all given me the determination and optimism that I need to go beyond the little boundaries I've set for myself and make more, if not the most, out of my life.

Someday, I'll be writing exciting adventure-filled blog entries too. With beautiful pictures to cap them all off!

Love, Oli :)

A Welcome Break

I've been sitting on my bed wondering if I may have possibly wasted 4 months of my life. I'm going to start work on August 2. I landed this job last May, a little after the career crisis of 2010, where I found myself lost and confused, as all fresh graduates usually are. Thankfully, I had a welcome epiphany that jolted me right back on track, finally landing myself probably the most perfect starting job for someone with a goal like mine. The problem is I may have lost a little bit of that direction in the course of the Break - the point between graduation and employment. Mine was uncharacteristically long, you see. While others had a month or two, or even less (having started work just days after graduation), I had 4 whole months to recuperate from 4 years of non-stop studying. Needless to say, 4 months is more than enough time to rest from all the academic stress. In fact, I'd have to say that it might be a bit too much, which brings me to my initial disturbing thought:

Did I just waste 4 months of my life?

I mean, seriously. I had 4 whole months to do something productive, something important. I could've volunteered for an NGO, applied for a scholarship, finished a short course, reviewed for some important test which I will eventually take in my quest to become a full fledged educator and whatever other productive activity the world has to offer. Four months! I could've done so much during those 4 months. Instead, I spent most of my time at home, watching the entire Gilmore Girls series, replying to every single post on facebook, tweeting some useless thought no one could really give a rat's ass about, going on movie marathons, reading Harry Potter again, going out on spur of the moment hangouts and what not. In short, I bummed around... in the truest, deepest sense of the word. Which is why, I am sitting here questioning the validity of the past 4 months to my life as it is...

Then i remember all the time I got to spend with my friends and, most especially my berklee-bound boyfriend... and I remember why I was so happy about this 4 month long break. This is probably the only time I could sit around and not have to worry about anything of consequence. This is the only time I could give my undivided attention to that special person, stay out late on weeknights, go on treasure hunts, play team fortress with a bunch of stressed-out teens, and say yes to spur of the moment hangouts, without having to worry about fixing my schedule or waking up early the next day. More importantly, this welcome break gave me precious time to make the most out of my last few days with my boyfriend - hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, watch a movie together, give him tickle grenades, play music or poker or monopoly together, ride his car, etc - before we become transatlantic/pacific lovers, reduced to exchanging stories and sweet nothings on email, ym or skype.

Now that I think about it, this 4 month of "bumming around" was, in fact, a result of me making sure that I didn't commit to anything of consequence during this welcome break because I wanted my undivided attention. I knew that once I started working, I won't stop. I'd give it my 100% as I always do and it will permeate my being, which will make the possibility of my undivided attention almost impossible. I won't anymore be able to do late nights or spur of the moment hangouts or spend the whole day just being with the person I wanna be with. I'll be occupied with work for most of the day, will probably be tired (but never too tired) afterwards and worried about sleeping early so that I can wake up on time the next day (did I mention that I have a 7am calltime?). It'll be different. I'll be different... divided. And there's no stopping. No breaks, at least not like this one. Ever again. From August 2 onwards, I will be building a career, a future for myself, that entails plans upon plans that need to be made, money that needs to be earned and endless effort and time that need to be given. Once I start, there will be no more breaks... maybe there will be short moments where I can come up for air, but like I said... things will be different. I'll be different... divided.

So, I guess if I must bring myself to answer the question I asked earlier, I would have to give a resounding "No, this definitely was not a waste of time." Not just to save myself from the despair of having thrown away 4 months of my life, but mostly and primarily because this was... is a precious break from a lifetime of working towards purpose and fulfillment. I'd like to think that I have the rest of my life to be productive. For now, I get to sit around and smell the roses.

For now, you have my undivided attention.

Love, Oli :)

I Love... Love!

"Nevertheless - and this point is most important - however bitter their distress and however heavy their hearts, for all their emptiness, it can be truly said of these exiles that in the early period of the plague they could account themselves privileged. For at the precise moment when the residents of the town began to panic, their thoughts were wholly fixed on the person whom they longed to meet again. The egoism of love made them immune to the general distress and, if they thought of the plague, it was only in so far as it might threaten to make their separation eternal. Thus in the very heart of the epidemic they maintained a saving indifference, which one was tempted to take for composure. Their despair saved them from panic, thus their misfortune had a good side. For instance, if it happened that one of them was carried off by the disease, it was almost always without having had time to realize it. Snatched suddenly from his long, silent communion with a wrath of memory, he was plunged straightway into the densest silence of all. He'd had no time for anything."

- The Plague (Albert Camus)

Camus' discussion on the role of love at a time of plague is the reason why I, in a cozy little office in the Philosophy Department during an all important Philo orals, exclaimed, "I love... love!" ...... Brrrr! I still shudder at the memory. Thankfully, Sir Principe recognized the deep meaning behind such an extremely cutsie cheesy statement and politely asked me to expound.

I am probably one of love's biggest advocate. My belief in and experience of the tremendous power of love is the sole reason why I continue to live a life that is, by my standards, worth living. Love, even at the most hopeless of times (such as a plague), has such salvific qualities. When we live our lives, giving and receiving love, it takes on a deeper meaning. It saves us from our selfish need for survival taking over. In hoping for the salvation of our loved ones in the context of our plague-stricken lives, we are also saved from the despair that may come upon us during those moments when we are confronted by life's seeming meaninglessness. Love gives us meaning - a reason to live and persevere and hope and trust and continue our search for purpose.

Bottom line is, I love... love! I cannot say it enough. If I had the chance to redo that all important Philo final orals, I would probably exclaim "I love... love!" again with as much gusto and conviction as I did then... and now. And forever.

I can't believe I actually took out my old xeroxed copy of The Plague to write this. Oh well! Anything to gush about my love for love!

Love, Oli :)

Eat My Dust... Or Not.

A few minutes ago, we (our helper, the man my mom hired to do some major house cleaning, and I) did a general cleaning of my room. That entails sweeping the floor and wiping the furniture to rid it of Clean House Enemy Number 1 - DUST.

I must say, maintaining a house in the Philippines is a difficult difficult task, especially if you live right beside a major road. It gets so dusty that my desk will probably have gathered dust by tomorrow, considering it was just cleaned today. Sometimes, I fantasize about living in a dust free world. How about it, huh? I mean, dust probably has no place in great big circle of life! It's not like even the most disgusting insects, like cockroaches and stuff. Those have some use in the all important food chain, at least! But dust... what is the significance of dust? I know I probably can find the answer on google but I refuse to exert effort into defending the existence of dust in the world. I'm perfectly happy hating it and calling it names like Little Useless Speck of Nature!

...

.....

........

Oh gosh. I just spent 10 minutes of my precious time writing the most useless blog entry in the world. It's funny. I've been wanting to write about something nice and interesting for the longest time and now that I finally have, THIS is what I come up with. Great.

I guess I really am a lousy happy blogger! Ugh. I've tried so many times before to blog about how my day has gone but I just can't stand blogging about little mundane things I've been doing unless it has a point. It's just so, for lack of a better english word, nakaka-walang gana to write "Today, I went shopping for clothes!" unless I have some interesting social commentary on... I don't know... how a person's self image is affected or dictated by the clothes he/she wears. And that isn't even so interesting! I mean, it's been talked about many times before!

I actually tried to make writing about cleaning my room more fun by talking about a hypothetical dustless world, which I thought was a really cool idea until I ran out of things to say.

Oh well. I'll try again next time.

But I do hate dust. (Just so this blog has some point)

Love, Oli :)

Happiness = Writer's Block?

For me, this might be somewhat true.

You see, I am generally a happy person, which is why I have hardly posted anything in this blog. But it's not writer's block really... it's more like, I don't really feel like sitting down and thinking of words to string together when I'm happy... or not sad...

Like right now, for example, I am quite happy. Sadness, is a fleeting thing, I think (I am merely expressing this thought because you might be observant enough to notice that my last "emo" blog was just a few minutes ago). Happiness, on the contrary, is a state... by that, I mean, you can be oxymoronically happy whilst being momentarily sad. Anyway, that's besides the point. Right now, I'm happy and I can't think of any nice thing I could possibly say in this particular entry, except to maybe give a bit of a disclaimer...

I am not a sad emo person. The last few blog entries may indicate something to the contrary, but I really am generally happy. Infact, I think this blog is not doing any justice at all to the sunshine-filled life I am living right now (hence, the name Sunshine Diaires). My life is quite indignant and is demanding some disclaimer. So here it is!

I don't really get writer's block when I'm happy. It's more like, there are so many other things that I'd rather be doing than sitting on my desk, trying to string together nice cohesive sentences worthy of being posted here! Sometimes, I feel like writing about a movie I just watched or some random silly idea I just had but it just seems like a lot of work actually sitting down and trying to put those thoughts into writing. It's not like when you're sad... you tend to sit around by yourself, thinking, reflecting... and writing down your well thought out thoughts just doesn't seem as hard. Plus, everything just seems to come out nicer and more poetic when you're sad... like it's coming from some profound plane of thought... and therefore, quite worthy of being posted!

I'll try to take the time to post happier blogs from now on! Just don't expect them to be as well-written or even as profound. When I'm being a happy writer, everything just seems to come out as one random string of words after another!

With that, I'd like to end this Disclaimer Blog with a little quote from my favorite TV series...

"I'm afraid when your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron." - Lorelai (Gilmore Girls)

Love, Oli :)

The Sad Heart

Reading novels and watching movies can only take you away from unpleasant realities up to a certain extent. No matter how absorbed and preoccupied you get, somehow, your heart still beats in disrupted patterns as a constant reminder of your sadness.

It's funny how I can only write remotely beautiful things when I'm sad. I guess, by some paradox of life, sadness is really a beautiful thing.

Love, Oli :)

Darn Tears

Have you ever been so sad that you felt like you could just cry forever?

I'm not just talking about the pretty subdued kind of crying. I'm talking about the loud-face-crunched-up-and-buried-in-your-pillow kind of crying. It's made of utter sadness. There's nothing like it. It's the kind of crying that you wouldn't know what to do if someone, even your closest friend, came to you like that - sobbing like there's no tomorrow, like all the water in her body is flowing out into tears, like breathing is the most difficult thing to do in the world... just crying out of pure and utter sadness.

The beautiful thing about human beings is that we're gifted with these amazing coping mechanisms. Tears to cleanse the soul. Words to express emotions...

A few minutes ago, there was a girl with her face buried in her pillow, crying as if she could do so forever. Now she's typing away, feeling slightly better, distracted, coping... maybe her soul was cleansed, even just a bit.

Love, Oli :)

"You jump, I jump. Remember?"

If you brave to say "goodbye", life will reward you with a new hello.

- Paulo Coelho

***

There are days when it doesn't even cross my mind. There are days when I am able to look at it from a more positive perspective. Those are the days when the "bright side" is bright enough to outshine the dark. There are days when I can talk to him and tell him how I feel and he'll say something nice and assuring and I'm okay again.

But then on most other days, it does cross my mind. Usually, it happens during the most unexpected times - when I'm driving home on a rainy day, before I sleep, when I'm on facebook, during rehearsals, while watching a movie and even when I'm with him. And during those unexpected moments, I am not able to prepare myself enough to be able to look at the bright side of it or even see it from the dimmest of lights and there's nothing but fear and sadness. Usually, it knocks me down and whips the air right out of my chest, leaving my heart beating faster, working double time, and my eyes welling up with big blobs of moisture that I'm afraid to blink out into tears because if I did, then it wouldn't stop, and the tears will become sobs and the sobs will make the sadness real...

...As real as time ticking slowly but surely by, as sure as the days become tomorrows and the tomorrows become todays, as certain as a month and a half from now, August will come, as guaranteed as the love of my life flying off to Boston when August rolls by to make his great musical destiny happen, as inevitable as this one year old puppy dog relationship turning into a dreaded LDR, and as true and justified as my fear and sadness are during these unexpected moments.

If you know me or even the cute puppy dog that I call my boyfriend well, then you probably know or have a vague idea of what I'm talking about. I've never believed in long distance relationships because I've never actually witnessed one that remained steadfast, pulled through and succeeded. There was actually one good strong couple left giving me faith in LDRs, but - like some sort of omen - they too ended in a break up. That sealed it for me. LDRs or even the possibility of them were a definite NO-WAY-I'M-PUTTING-MYSELF-THROUGH-THAT - spending your future present longing for and missing a guy far far away, just really waiting for the inevitable moment when you two realize that LDRs never work, and then going through the pain of a long distance break-up (no goodbye hugs or kisses or shared tears ... just maybe an email or a few minutes on skype or ym. And if you wanna disappear from the other person forever, it's entirely possible in the virtual world) and also... mourning for all that wasted invested time.

But you know how life has a funny way of being ironic? Like some heartless ol' practical joke, I found myself head over heels for a guy that had LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP stamped on his forehead. Needless to say, I was very hesitant about getting into this relationship. I told myself that I would never commit to anything in the present without thinking about what it would mean for my future. I'm afraid I'm not a purely of-the-moment kind of person like that. I didn't want to put myself in a situation I wouldn't believe in. But, like I said, life has a funny way of being ironic. And just like that, I found myself entering the very situation I had made up my mind I didn't believe in.

I say, it's his fault for making me love him! For pursuing me and making me feel like the most special girl in the world; for charming me with his very sincere piano and guitar playing; for writing all those heart-melting poems and songs apparently inspired by me; for making me appreciate the good and bad of a relationship - the conversations and the meaningful or awkward silences, the laughter and the tears, the fights and the make up kisses and hugs, the opportunities to be selfless and selfish, and whatever other opposites you can think of; for being such a generous, understanding, kind and endlessly loving person... and, most of all, for offering me the kind of love that I would be crazy to ever pass up the opportunity to experience.

Love. That's it really, I guess. As we spend our entire lives building huge walls to protect us from any kind of vulnerability, life tosses this crazy little thing called love in the equation and all of a sudden, all the walls come down and you start rethinking everything or at least some things you thought you firmly believed in, such as "an LDR is but a sorry excuse for a real relationship." Let's admit it, we human beings are wired to love and be loved, that we are almost always willing to risk everything (even experiencing all the gory particulars of the possible emotional pain and suffering that comes with it) just to experience its amazing and endlessly beautiful power.

I feel like I can move mountains with this love I have.

But there are still those moments - those brief unexpected moments when I am caught off guard and left simply afraid of and sad for the time when this love will be tested beyond all boundaries of comfort and assurance present in a non-long distance relationship. Physical presence in each other's lives just has an unbelievably important role in every loving relationship and not having that is probably the greatest test to the bond and connection each couple shares. And the labor of love that both of you have to exert is multiplied, not twice or thrice, but a hundredfold. I will not joke around. That coming hundredfold effort scares me shitless during these unexpected moments.

But like I said, this love can move mountains.

For purposes of not speaking at all too soon, I will not say that this puppy dog relationship will surely get through anything. I will also not say that I have completely thrown away my beliefs about long distance relationships, because, to be very honest, I haven't. Why else would I be scared, right? Fortunately, what I've discovered in this process of love and loving is that being scared is okay. When you have to jump off a cliff, there is no way you can truthfully say that you're not absolutely butt crazy scared out of your pants, because you most certainly are. All I know for sure is that the love I have can smack that scaredy cat inside me and give me superman bravery and strength enough to jump in for the ride of my life.

Thankfully, I do not have to jump alone.

"You jump, I jump. Remember?" Rose said.

Spoken like a true star crossed lover.

I'm ready to say goodbye now. Although we both know, it's not really goodbye. It's just another opportunity to say "hello" again.

Here's to not falling flat on our faces!

***

This has been a long 2 days of writing a single blog. Tough write, but it was quite an emotionally uplifting experience. Now, I shall go back to rereading Harry Potter for the nth time and dreaming about the next time I get to be with him again. Love struck? Fortunately and unfortunately, I am.

Love, Oli :)

Dreamlog: Mommy Blues

I have been having very interesting dreams for the past few weeks. Of course, I cant remember them well enough now because dreams happen in the Unconscious and if we don't consciously try to remember them, they'll most probably get lost in the big sea of forgotten dreams. So I have decided to incorporate a Dreamlog in my little online diary to keep a record of my unconscious memories! Here is dream number 1, which I have entitled: Mommy Blues

Last night, in the deepest recesses of my mind, a young pregnant Oli was brought to the hospital to give birth! No pain was remembered nor experienced. The scene went from being brought to the emergency room in a rolling hospital bed to a comfortable little hospital room, with the sun casting a bright but cozy yellow light on a new mommy and this little speck of a human being lying down peacefully beside her.

Fast forward to Mommy Oli carrying little speck of a human being around the house, giving him/her baths (for some reason, I never figured out if the baby was a boy or a girl), feeding it (because its tiring to keep on writing "him/her", i shall use "it" from now on), and all kinds of mommy baby stuff. There was one part in particular, Mommy Oli was sitting on the dining room table, struggling to keep the baby in her arms because it kept sliding down onto the floor. It was a very wiggly baby and holding on to it was close to impossible. It made Mommy Oli very frustrated and later on, she cried in a room alone.

Fast forward to a few years later (I'm assuming because the baby had grown), the baby looked to be about 1-2 years old, with curly light brown hair and wearing a jumper and a stripped long sleeves shirt... I know, the outfit is very much reminiscent of Chuckie... but the baby is not. Thankfully! What a nightmare it would be if my baby turned out to be Chuckie!!! Anyway, more hardship was experienced. The baby was running around the house causing a lot of mayhem while poor tired Mommy Oli chased after it. Whenever she would carry him (I'm assuming that the baby was a boy now because... well... he was wearing a Chuckie-like outfit), he would try to wriggle and push her away much like he did when he was a little speck of a human being.

The rest of the dream, I'm afraid, has gotten lost in the deepest recesses of my unconscious memory. You know how you never really remember what happens towards the end of the dream because you're probably transitioning from unconscious to conscious thought and... I don't know. I forgot that lesson about dreams we had in Physiology of the Brain... ANYWAY...

That's about all my memory can take me. I'm afraid this dream has no punchline, except for the fact that Dream Oli discovered just how difficult it is to be a mommy... what with the baby being naughty and wiggly and all. It was also quite interesting that the baby was CAUCASIAN. How about it huh? Me producing a white baby?! Impossible! Even if I ended up with a white guy and had a baby with him, my genes would definitely prevent that from happening!

One dream in the dreamlog, not painfully lost to the whirlpool of forgotten dreams!

Love, Oli :)

Labor of Love Pt. 2

Labors of Love make the world such a brighter and more exciting place to live in. Dontcha agree? It can turn the simplest gifts and the most ordinary gestures into such meaningful things! Last June 1, a cute puppy dog boy and a cute puppy dog relationship turned a year older! And I hope my very own little Labors of love made said cute puppy dog boy roll over with joy!

365 days of HHWW! hehehe.

365 days of hugging and being "happy"

365 days of goofing around and being cute! Well.. TRYING to be cute!

365 days of love and understanding...

conversations and silences...

tears and laughter...

joys and pains...

365 days of friendship and companionship...

both good and bad, we'll take it.

as long as the puppy dogs are together!

Surprise!!!

My only picture with the birthday boy on his surprise birthday salubong!

Finally got all his friends together drinking happily in one party!

Which is why...

On the 365th day of our puppy relationship, we were slightly hungover.

Here's to hopefully 365 x infinity more days together! May time keep us strong during those days when we will have to work harder and temporarily take pictures solo! After all, every relationship is a Labor of Love. (Sorry, just had to put that cheesy ending in there because every cheesy post deserves a cheesy ending!)

Love, Oli :)

Labor of Love

I have been working on this little special project for days and hours and hours now. My back hurts, my legs are numb, my hands are sticky from all the pasting... getting a nice good sleep would be the best thing to do right about now. BUT NO. I shall persevere because I have procrastinated on this project for much too long and as my undying love is my witness, I shall finish it by tomorrow!

Labors of love are tough yet rewarding. I know it's the little things we do every day that really matter. But I also think the BIG SPECIAL THINGS we do count for a lot as well.

I am quite cryptic as of the moment. In a few days, I shall enlighten. In the meantime, it's back to being a busy bee. That's me!

Love, Oli :)

A Lesson on Affection

Had a great girl day today with the fabulous Viva La Iya a.k.a. Larissa Joson of Letters By Larissa. Am i pimpin' her blog or what?!

Anyway, we got around to talking about almost everything under the sun, from our chosen careers to her exciting Paris JTA to my plans of further studies abroad to relationships and marriage to children to our personal home lives and what have you. I must say, before I go into what I really planned to blog about, I must give it to Ms. Joson. She is going to go places and I don't just mean Paris.

Now, let me get back on track here (before that huge ear to ear smile rips your face in two. yes, Iya, i am talking to you!)

We also got around to talking about our relationships with our parents and my current 'hater' phase. More on the latter in a later blog! Let me first talk about how important parent-child relationships are. I would consider me and Iya living proof of the effects of different parent nurturing styles. It's classic psychology. There are many theories about it and many case studies have been done to prove it. But let me talk from a less scientific and more personal perspective. May I present the cases of Iya and Oli.



Case 1: Iya

Family Background - grew up from a loving and nurturing family; parents show a good amount of affection in the form of hugs, the occasional spoken and written "i love you's", sweet well-written letters from her mom and dad (but mostly from dad), support for her chosen career, jokes from her dad and the like.

Personality Traits (or what can also be termed as the "Crystalized Iya") - may be relatively classified as a social butterfly; has good social skills; can easily develop close intimate relationships; driven, confident, self-motivated and self-assured; goal-oriented; able to freely explore her potentials.




Case 2: Oli

Family Backgroud - grew up from a relatively nurturing family; did not receive much physical affection in the form of hugs or kisses; was not brought up to say "I love you" out loud; love was generally shown through indirect and more practical means (education received, material things, and other less concrete ways, which she nonetheless appreciates and understands to be a show of love

Personality Traits (or what can also be termed as the "Crystalized Oli") - may be relatively classified as an introvert; still struggles, though has, in a few cases, succeeded in establishing close intimate relationships; does not generally show or feel comfortable with showing affection (except to a few select relations); is relatively driven, confident, goal-oriented and self-motivated but has a tendency to second guess herself, be indecisive and insecure;


These case descriptions are NOT scientific by all means. I must admit, they are quite one-sided and biased towards proving a point.

The effects of different types of parenting on children is undeniable, which is why I believe parenting is a great big responsibility that goes way beyond providing material security to a child. Though they are vital and absolutely necessary to raise a child, parenting is more than giving children food to eat, clothes to wear, a good education, toys and the like. It is also, more importantly, the love and affection that you give them. Yes, love is manifested through working hard and providing your children with their wants and needs, but that representation is not concrete enough for a young child to grasp. A child cannot understand that you cannot play with them after school because you are too busy working hard to give them a good life! Children need warmth and affection to feel loved. In fact, in the very real context of our lives, people in general need warmth and affection. We need to be hugged, to be held by someone we trust, to be touched, to be kissed, to be told "I love you" at least once in a while... to be shown, that we are, in fact, loved (I know I'm so redundant! But I'm making a point here!). That is a reality of life and a responsibility that I strongly believe parents should never ever neglect if they want their children to grow up to be individuals who are capable of sharing and receiving love.

I could so become a good child psychologist one day! Whatcha think? HAHA!

So I say, go out and hug those you love! Kiss those whom you can appropriately kiss! SHOW someone in a very real sense that you love them! I struggle to find it in myself to show that kind of affection to the people I love everyday! But I vow to slowly be that person for them and even to my future child! I swear, that kid is going to get all the warmth and affection a future cool mom can offer!

Okay, I promise to blog about something lighter and shorter next time! HAHA! Am i the only one finding this funny? Yea. Thought so.

Love, Oli :)

Bum? Who's the bum?

Let's face it.

... Okay, you don't have to face it so I'LL face it. A huge part of the reason why I made this blog was because I was feeling like a colossal BUM. That's with a capital B-U-M.

As of the moment, I am still a bona fide member of the unemployed work force and will only officially become a contributing member of society this August... which is still TWO WHOLE MONTHS from now. That means I have TWO WHOLE MONTHS of doing absolutely NOTHING. Or if I were to look at it from a more positive perspective, that's TWO WHOLE MONTHS of doing positively EVERYTHING.

I could go out, catch up with friends, go on trips! THE SKY'S THE LIMIT, RIGHT?

Wrong.

Here are a 2 very potent reasons why the sky is NOT the limit for a currently unemployed, free as a bird girl:

ONE: All my friends are busy with their own stuff! Some are working already. Some are preparing for graduate school or board exams. Some (a.k.a. my best friend) have summer jobs that keep them positively ocupado. MOST of them have a lot of other things that are either keeping them busy or tired! I am quite sure this will get worse once June comes rolling in. Start of classes... ugh.

TWO (and most important of all): Lack of Funds. No School + No Work = No Money. No hard earned money trickling in and no easy money being handed to you by your parents. Actually, I am quite lucky because my mom still gives me money and still gases up my car. But how shameful is that when you're supposedly at a stage where you should be going out and earning your own money right? And even if I had the thickest skin in the world to continue asking for money from my parents, it still wouldn't be enough to finance my sky's-the-limit-plans!

As a result of today's bumming, I ended up with a new blog (a.k.a. Sunshine Diaries a.k.a. THIS ONE), 2 whole blog entries, half a bag of doritos in my tummy, 0.0001% brain deterioration and a bed full of clothes...



Why the bed full of clothes? Well, let's just say I refuse to be the unproductive little bummer dog I have been all day. So I decided to fix my closet and rid it of clothes that I will never wear anymore! It feels GREAT doing something! I used to think that I was a natural born bum. But after weeks and weeks of sitting around at home with absolutely nothing to do, I have discovered and decided that I am not. A bum, that is.

And being the enthusiastic new Bloggirl that I am, I also decided to blog about this awfully nice realization before getting back to work.

Good morning, Sunshine!

HELLO BLOGOSPHERE!
There is a new 'bloggirl' in town!

You like my term? BLOGGIRL = blogger + girl! Hehehe! Right, i know i know. It's corny. I'm trying to get into the blogger lingo here! They still do call it Blogosphere, right? Or has some witty writer changed it up again? Do bloggers even have a lingo?

Anyway, forgive this newbie! I've been meaning to make a blog for years now but only got around to doing so recently due to my confrontation with the new and exciting life of unemployment! Also, because I couldn't really figure out what it is I wanna be blogging about. Okay.. this is not actually true considering i have about a hundred or so blog entries in my multiply account. But that's not really a blog BLOG. THIS is a blog BLOG.

Some people make fashion blogs, some make musical theater blogs or photoblogs or travelogs or whatever other themed blogs there are out there (ex. Chasing Toff). Some are celebrity bloggers (so people actually wanna read their blogs). Some people like the previously mentioned type of bloggers have super exciting and interesting lives that it would be a shame not to blog about them (like the idol of my life, Patty Laurel). While some blogs belong to people who can write like nobody's business (ex. Iya Joson of Letters By Larissa).

Then there are people like me who aren't necessarily extraordinary writers, are not celebrities, don't feel like writing about anything in particular, are not as well travelled as they'd like to be and have moderately exciting yet blessed lives, BUT possess just as much desire to blog as the previously mentioned types of bloggers do.

What do we average run of the mill bloggirls write about?

Rephrase: What do I write about?

Luckily, I don't actually have a deadline to come up with something nice and interesting right now. Come to think of it, I don't even have to come up with anything particularly nice and interesting at all! Then again, i wouldn't want to be the big SNORE in the cyber journal writers' world! I think, for now, the safer thing to do is leave this question WIDE OPEN.

In the meantime, I shall be looking forward to a nice fruitful relationship with you my Sunshine Diary! (that includes all you innocent blog surfers who may stumble upon my little online oasis. you wouldn't know what hit you!)