"You jump, I jump. Remember?"

If you brave to say "goodbye", life will reward you with a new hello.

- Paulo Coelho

***

There are days when it doesn't even cross my mind. There are days when I am able to look at it from a more positive perspective. Those are the days when the "bright side" is bright enough to outshine the dark. There are days when I can talk to him and tell him how I feel and he'll say something nice and assuring and I'm okay again.

But then on most other days, it does cross my mind. Usually, it happens during the most unexpected times - when I'm driving home on a rainy day, before I sleep, when I'm on facebook, during rehearsals, while watching a movie and even when I'm with him. And during those unexpected moments, I am not able to prepare myself enough to be able to look at the bright side of it or even see it from the dimmest of lights and there's nothing but fear and sadness. Usually, it knocks me down and whips the air right out of my chest, leaving my heart beating faster, working double time, and my eyes welling up with big blobs of moisture that I'm afraid to blink out into tears because if I did, then it wouldn't stop, and the tears will become sobs and the sobs will make the sadness real...

...As real as time ticking slowly but surely by, as sure as the days become tomorrows and the tomorrows become todays, as certain as a month and a half from now, August will come, as guaranteed as the love of my life flying off to Boston when August rolls by to make his great musical destiny happen, as inevitable as this one year old puppy dog relationship turning into a dreaded LDR, and as true and justified as my fear and sadness are during these unexpected moments.

If you know me or even the cute puppy dog that I call my boyfriend well, then you probably know or have a vague idea of what I'm talking about. I've never believed in long distance relationships because I've never actually witnessed one that remained steadfast, pulled through and succeeded. There was actually one good strong couple left giving me faith in LDRs, but - like some sort of omen - they too ended in a break up. That sealed it for me. LDRs or even the possibility of them were a definite NO-WAY-I'M-PUTTING-MYSELF-THROUGH-THAT - spending your future present longing for and missing a guy far far away, just really waiting for the inevitable moment when you two realize that LDRs never work, and then going through the pain of a long distance break-up (no goodbye hugs or kisses or shared tears ... just maybe an email or a few minutes on skype or ym. And if you wanna disappear from the other person forever, it's entirely possible in the virtual world) and also... mourning for all that wasted invested time.

But you know how life has a funny way of being ironic? Like some heartless ol' practical joke, I found myself head over heels for a guy that had LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP stamped on his forehead. Needless to say, I was very hesitant about getting into this relationship. I told myself that I would never commit to anything in the present without thinking about what it would mean for my future. I'm afraid I'm not a purely of-the-moment kind of person like that. I didn't want to put myself in a situation I wouldn't believe in. But, like I said, life has a funny way of being ironic. And just like that, I found myself entering the very situation I had made up my mind I didn't believe in.

I say, it's his fault for making me love him! For pursuing me and making me feel like the most special girl in the world; for charming me with his very sincere piano and guitar playing; for writing all those heart-melting poems and songs apparently inspired by me; for making me appreciate the good and bad of a relationship - the conversations and the meaningful or awkward silences, the laughter and the tears, the fights and the make up kisses and hugs, the opportunities to be selfless and selfish, and whatever other opposites you can think of; for being such a generous, understanding, kind and endlessly loving person... and, most of all, for offering me the kind of love that I would be crazy to ever pass up the opportunity to experience.

Love. That's it really, I guess. As we spend our entire lives building huge walls to protect us from any kind of vulnerability, life tosses this crazy little thing called love in the equation and all of a sudden, all the walls come down and you start rethinking everything or at least some things you thought you firmly believed in, such as "an LDR is but a sorry excuse for a real relationship." Let's admit it, we human beings are wired to love and be loved, that we are almost always willing to risk everything (even experiencing all the gory particulars of the possible emotional pain and suffering that comes with it) just to experience its amazing and endlessly beautiful power.

I feel like I can move mountains with this love I have.

But there are still those moments - those brief unexpected moments when I am caught off guard and left simply afraid of and sad for the time when this love will be tested beyond all boundaries of comfort and assurance present in a non-long distance relationship. Physical presence in each other's lives just has an unbelievably important role in every loving relationship and not having that is probably the greatest test to the bond and connection each couple shares. And the labor of love that both of you have to exert is multiplied, not twice or thrice, but a hundredfold. I will not joke around. That coming hundredfold effort scares me shitless during these unexpected moments.

But like I said, this love can move mountains.

For purposes of not speaking at all too soon, I will not say that this puppy dog relationship will surely get through anything. I will also not say that I have completely thrown away my beliefs about long distance relationships, because, to be very honest, I haven't. Why else would I be scared, right? Fortunately, what I've discovered in this process of love and loving is that being scared is okay. When you have to jump off a cliff, there is no way you can truthfully say that you're not absolutely butt crazy scared out of your pants, because you most certainly are. All I know for sure is that the love I have can smack that scaredy cat inside me and give me superman bravery and strength enough to jump in for the ride of my life.

Thankfully, I do not have to jump alone.

"You jump, I jump. Remember?" Rose said.

Spoken like a true star crossed lover.

I'm ready to say goodbye now. Although we both know, it's not really goodbye. It's just another opportunity to say "hello" again.

Here's to not falling flat on our faces!

***

This has been a long 2 days of writing a single blog. Tough write, but it was quite an emotionally uplifting experience. Now, I shall go back to rereading Harry Potter for the nth time and dreaming about the next time I get to be with him again. Love struck? Fortunately and unfortunately, I am.

Love, Oli :)