Dependent

I can't anymore count the number of times I've imagined traveling to some distant place on my own and living away from my parents. I guess you could say that for most of my dependent life, I have dreamt about independence in one form or another. I know it's probably not as wonderful and exciting as I am figuring it out to be but I know it's bound to be something more than this sheltered, sometimes shackled, world within the fences of Mom and Dad.

More and more, it seems that the only way I could experience the independence that I want is if I pack my bags and live somewhere else. I know I could never do all the things that I wanna do without being boxed in by my parents as long as I am living under their roof. Under their roof, I must abide by their rules, their expectations, their boundaries - and let me just say, their boundaries don't leave very much room for adventures. My mom and dad's idea of living are very much tied to keeping a household running, going to work and fulfilling familial responsibilities. It's all very old school Filipino family style. And I guess you could say that I am the stereotypical obedient Filipino child. Save for a few white lies here and there, I always follow the rules. That's because I respect the fact that while I am eating the food they serve on the table, spending the money they put in my bank account and use up the gas that they load in the car that they are allowing me to use, I am, unequivocally, bound to the laws of the Del Rosario Household.

Sometimes, I am dying for a way out.

I have always contented myself in living vicariously through others. Watching movies, reading books about traveling, adventures and strong female characters, reading about other people's lives through whatever avenue there is in the cyber world and what not. But like I said previously, it seems that vicarious living isn't anymore enough. In a few short months, I will be 22 years old and, more and more, it seems that now is the time to take these risks, make mistakes and discover myself and what I am really capable of. I don't wanna be in my late 20's or 30's and still just starting to find my way through the real world! I wanna start now. But I am so bound by all these restrictions, by my mother's nagging voice in my head telling me: "I don't need to do those things! What are they for? What you need to focus on is what you have now and the responsibilities you have to fulfill!" Dare I say that every time I motion to reach for something greater, something infinitely more exciting, that nagging voice inside my head causes me to second guess myself and quit before I have even started.

Oh, the crisis of the young. I'd like to think that life is not really wasted on us. In fact, most often than not, life is wasted on the mediocre and overly practical mindsets that generations before have instilled in us. It is the reason most dreams die. And it is not reality that turns these dreams into jaded reveries. It is our own tendency to think like little people, with a bad case of tunnel vision.

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Now, I am off to fulfill another one of those familial obligations.

Love, Oli :)