A Welcome Break

I've been sitting on my bed wondering if I may have possibly wasted 4 months of my life. I'm going to start work on August 2. I landed this job last May, a little after the career crisis of 2010, where I found myself lost and confused, as all fresh graduates usually are. Thankfully, I had a welcome epiphany that jolted me right back on track, finally landing myself probably the most perfect starting job for someone with a goal like mine. The problem is I may have lost a little bit of that direction in the course of the Break - the point between graduation and employment. Mine was uncharacteristically long, you see. While others had a month or two, or even less (having started work just days after graduation), I had 4 whole months to recuperate from 4 years of non-stop studying. Needless to say, 4 months is more than enough time to rest from all the academic stress. In fact, I'd have to say that it might be a bit too much, which brings me to my initial disturbing thought:

Did I just waste 4 months of my life?

I mean, seriously. I had 4 whole months to do something productive, something important. I could've volunteered for an NGO, applied for a scholarship, finished a short course, reviewed for some important test which I will eventually take in my quest to become a full fledged educator and whatever other productive activity the world has to offer. Four months! I could've done so much during those 4 months. Instead, I spent most of my time at home, watching the entire Gilmore Girls series, replying to every single post on facebook, tweeting some useless thought no one could really give a rat's ass about, going on movie marathons, reading Harry Potter again, going out on spur of the moment hangouts and what not. In short, I bummed around... in the truest, deepest sense of the word. Which is why, I am sitting here questioning the validity of the past 4 months to my life as it is...

Then i remember all the time I got to spend with my friends and, most especially my berklee-bound boyfriend... and I remember why I was so happy about this 4 month long break. This is probably the only time I could sit around and not have to worry about anything of consequence. This is the only time I could give my undivided attention to that special person, stay out late on weeknights, go on treasure hunts, play team fortress with a bunch of stressed-out teens, and say yes to spur of the moment hangouts, without having to worry about fixing my schedule or waking up early the next day. More importantly, this welcome break gave me precious time to make the most out of my last few days with my boyfriend - hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, watch a movie together, give him tickle grenades, play music or poker or monopoly together, ride his car, etc - before we become transatlantic/pacific lovers, reduced to exchanging stories and sweet nothings on email, ym or skype.

Now that I think about it, this 4 month of "bumming around" was, in fact, a result of me making sure that I didn't commit to anything of consequence during this welcome break because I wanted my undivided attention. I knew that once I started working, I won't stop. I'd give it my 100% as I always do and it will permeate my being, which will make the possibility of my undivided attention almost impossible. I won't anymore be able to do late nights or spur of the moment hangouts or spend the whole day just being with the person I wanna be with. I'll be occupied with work for most of the day, will probably be tired (but never too tired) afterwards and worried about sleeping early so that I can wake up on time the next day (did I mention that I have a 7am calltime?). It'll be different. I'll be different... divided. And there's no stopping. No breaks, at least not like this one. Ever again. From August 2 onwards, I will be building a career, a future for myself, that entails plans upon plans that need to be made, money that needs to be earned and endless effort and time that need to be given. Once I start, there will be no more breaks... maybe there will be short moments where I can come up for air, but like I said... things will be different. I'll be different... divided.

So, I guess if I must bring myself to answer the question I asked earlier, I would have to give a resounding "No, this definitely was not a waste of time." Not just to save myself from the despair of having thrown away 4 months of my life, but mostly and primarily because this was... is a precious break from a lifetime of working towards purpose and fulfillment. I'd like to think that I have the rest of my life to be productive. For now, I get to sit around and smell the roses.

For now, you have my undivided attention.

Love, Oli :)